I'll never forget the time I brought Maggie home for Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone was a bit shocked at first, and it's hard to shock people these days, you know, with homosexuality running rampant and sex scandals between priests and altar boys.

I don't want to sound like a liberal, but sometimes I just can't believe what all the fuss is over. A hole is all anyone wants anymore, a tight hole and a scream of ecstasy. Everything else is just make-up and shoe polish. Mere trimmings on the Christmas tree of life.

Well anyway, it was a frightfully chilly November if I can recall correctly, and I hadn't even told Mother about Maggie yet. I guess I wanted to save her for a surprise.

Quite honestly, half the reason I was dating Maggie was for the shock value of the thing. That and she was warm and never complained during sex. Not like Franny, my ex. That bitch thought she was going to die during childbirth, like it was my fault or something!? I hate that in a female, and so I left her shortly after, abandoning my youthful idealism for a more realistic and gratifying ilk of selfish sexual exploitation.

So I guess my family thought I was planning on coming to Thanksgiving stag and everything, (and in a funny sort of way I almost was) but I thought maybe they would take the whole relationship thing lightly and at least respect me for admitting that I was dating a farm animal. But the dinner didn't go very well at all. You see, sheep are so, well, dumb. And they smell like, you know, like sheep and everything.

I arrived at 2:00 PM sharp, myself dressed in a black suit with red tie and my Maggie dressed in her finest combed wool. Mother placed the flowers I brought her in some cold water. I sat down and started noting my family's reactions.

Father was the first to remark that my date wasn't human, and then Mother was worried about getting dung on the carpet. Maggie was so humiliated! You see, it was her first human holiday, so you can imagine how she felt.

Brother Kevin was a little more open with his feelings, and he let it be known to everyone present that "The only animal I would ever fuck is a rabbit". I never did figure out what that was supposed to mean. That would have to look absolutely ridiculous, a grown man fucking a rabbit.

But once we all had a few drinks and everyone had time to get used to each other again, they really opened up to Maggie and I felt that I was really making myself understood and that I wasn't really just a freak but actually a normal person just like everyone else.

Oh, but you should have seen the look of concern on Mothers face when I told her quietly in the corner that sheep didn't eat turkey. "Well, heavens!", she said, "perhaps it was short-sighted of me not to stock up on Purina Sheep Chow!" That mother, always such a warm wit.

The strangest part of the evening however, was that Grandmamaw Lipton didn't even know my Maggie was a sheep. She just kept muttering over and over again "Are we there yet?".

And Grandpapaw was so busy telling war stories and drinking his whiskey that I don't think he took notice to anything at all.

The only thing that really ticked me off was strange old cousin Elbert, who was eyeing my Maggie leeringly throughout the entire dinner.

Before he left he even had the nerve to ask me if he could "borrow" her for the weekend.

Family can be so embarrassing.