THE ULTIMATE SPACE HIT - Chapter 3

When I awoke, my mind was distended. I was on the docks of a cold and ugly planet. I didn’t let it bother me at first. Freedom and unexpected times at last. Nothing would be taken for granted. In short, I didn't know what the fuck to expect next. But was this really Capitola Iota? My instincts told me no. It seemed too primitive. But my mind was still severely mangled from all the drugs.

Where was I? What would be considered suitable punishment for a Raver? Not Capitola Iota. I was somewhere else. It bummed me that I might never see any Capitolan world. I imagined Capitola Iota as a well-organized, very political, almost military place. A place where families lived and toiled together, related stories of hardships, and accomplished productive tasks like tending animals and crops.

I learned from Advert that on Capitolan worlds the population was divided into classes depending on how much money they made. It sounded strange to me, but they assured me if I ever got in a pinch, I could always make a living by selling my body or designing new logos for corporations redefining themselves.

I wondered if these lessons would help me on this strange planet. The air was similar to Ravulon's own atmosphere, although dirtier and seemingly devoid of THC, a major component of the atmosphere on Ravulon. Also, it was chilly and windy. This was the first time I had experienced anything less than our comparatively tropical weather. The place seemed ancient and forgotten by time. Maybe they brewed good beer, I speculated. I had always wanted to try getting fucked up on yeast excrement. Due to the poor quality of raw ingredients, alcohol was generally eschewed on Ravulon in favor of PoppyPus soda, one of our best selling planetary exports.

Eventually I found some primitive, propaganda media dispensing machines full of local newspapers. I picked up a paper called The Stranger. I scanned the want ads. With a little luck, I could score a job as a male escort or a graphic designer. This planet did seem to have a night life. Oddly enough, my first wish was to go out to a club and meet some locals.

I wanna go celebrate. I can always get a job tomorrow, I thought.

Curiously enough, the streets were silent, even though it was the middle of the night. The city center lay abandoned like a cheap birthday present. At that time, believe it or not, I imagined the city to be comprised of multi-story discotheques. Discos were the only buildings that I had ever seen before.

My mind could not fathom any other purpose for so many empty buildings in the middle of the night. It all seemed so terribly wasteful to me. The entire ground was paved entirely with cement and there was almost no one to be seen. Was everybody dead? Not a solitary beat could be heard throughout the quiet night. Was this planet deserted? What madness is happening here? A power failure? Has this planet just run out of oil?

But a car drove by and that killed that theory. Other cars followed. I needed a cigarette. I didn’t have any. Some people walked by and I asked them what planet this was. They mostly ignored me. Finally a girl told me it was the planet “Earth” and she gave me some circular pieces of shiny metal. Hoping they were drugs, I swallowed them. She screamed and ran away. She was good looking for an alien so I followed her into a pub. The music sounded bad and they wouldn’t let me in without something called “ID.” Something was definitely wrong here. I needed a new theory about this place.

My rational brain reasoned that these tall buildings were something called “office buildings.” I had heard about these “office buildings” from reading brochures about working-class slavery in minor, outlaying Capitolan systems. But even Capitolan societies did not have office buildings in such massive quantities. This primitive city was literally entirely composed of them!

Why?

Did these people work shuffling papers for a living?

Did they enjoy it?

But even if they enjoyed working, why would they build a city full of office buildings?

Why would they all want to work in the same ugly place?

Why would they want to spend their days on top of each other like dead dogs butt-fucking in a mass grave?

I needed answers.

I saw a neon sign in the near distance. It was huge. Finally, I relaxed. The sign read 24 Hour Drug Store. It was either a wicked hallucination or a pharmaceutical supply store. Either way, things were finally looking up. I thought for sure I could find some cool people inside. 24 Hour Drug Store was the name of the most successful business on Ravulon.

As I entered the drug store, I saw the bright aisles and immediately thought of chemical bliss. The store was big, so big I didn't know where to begin. I wasn't in search of anything special, just looking for the basic supplies like space eckeez, Blue Valeeyumz, and a few cans of PoppyPus soda.

The store was strange. Although it was called 24 Hour Drug Store it was actually filled with a lot of random stuff that couldn't even be considered drugs by a sane person – stuff like underarm deodorant, sandals, and potato chips, plus other weird stuff that I never knew existed, like diapers for adults and rubber sheaths for your dick. It kept me amused for about an hour, but then I needed a fix to help sort my head out. The fluorescent lighting was giving me a headache. It was all so bright and so very odd to have in a place like that.

I approached the clerk at the counter. She was old and gray, fifty, maybe sixty years old, the tired kind of cunt that would have been dead or else on the morphine drip for ages on Ravulon. It made me cringe to see such a sight. She looked like a rotting piece of old carrion. Her skin was wrinkly and yellow with spots. I was naturally repulsed, but I still wanted to score some shit. I approached her kindly. I knew that without a lot of local credits in my pocket I would have to be very polite.

"Hello, Grandma, I'm new around here.”

She didn’t say anything. So I tried to make conversation.

“What planet is this?”

“Earth she replied.”

“Earth? Never heard of it.” How special… a planet named after dirt.

She said nothing. I was beginning to wonder if she was still alive, but her face twitched unpleasantly.

Is it all this bad? I mean… I sure hope I am not staying here for long.

No reaction, just more facial twitching.

“So… grandma, what kind of pills you got around here?"

The corpse stared dumbly at me. She was feeling her age, I thought, and needed a little confidence boost.

"Nice tits, to be sure," I lied. "Not sagging too much yet for a rough ride."

No reaction at all.

"Hey sexy mama, can you spare me a couple space eckeez? I'm trying to catch a party down the way. I can pay you next Tuesday.”

She looked shocked and confused. I wondered for a moment if the government had sucked out her brain and replaced it with a cheap microprocessor. I decided to take a more direct approach.

“HEY YOU... OLD WOMAN,” I screamed. “I have a proposition. I'll let you suck my cock for a few good pills if you please?"

Finally a response. I had her figured for a cock-sucker.

"Excuse me, boy?"

Apparently, the wrinkly old thing was going deaf. I was sick of being polite to this undead creature.

"I SAID, I WILL LET YOU FELLATE ME IF YOU GIVE ME A FEW SPACE PILLS! I'M NEW IN TOWN. I DON'T HAVE THE CASH FOR A FIX. HOLY FUCKING SPACE BALLS! WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M HERE FOR… TOILET PAPER?"

"Get out."

"Get out where?"

"Get out of my store!"

"Why?"

"Because I am telling you to."

"But where are my space eckeez?"

“Your what?” she replied.

“MY DRUGS YOU FUCKING DEAF SPACE QUEEF!!”

"We do not have drugs here for you here, young man."

"Why not?"

"Because they are illegal, that's why.

"Illegal? Eckeez illegal? Ha-ha. That's funny. I'll have to remember that one for the kiddies back home."

"Young man, are you on drugs? If you don't leave right now, I'll call the police. Are you on drugs?"

I wasn't quite sure how to respond to all this. I had never been asked that question before. It had always just been assumed. But how could drugs be illegal in a drug store? I wasn't quite sure how to respond. This wasn’t making any sense. Not even for an alien world.

The old woman picked up the phone and dialed the local authorities. I played confused, but I wasn't as dumb as all that. I had finally figured out my situation. I was not on a modern day Capitolan planet… I had been transported to Pathetika Rho, the mythic seminal planet of Ravulon that the Capitola Iotans had told me about! I hadn’t believed them and now I was here. Arrrgghh! I scanned the area for green and black porcine arachnids. I didn’t see any.

Was this the modern day, or had Volvo’s father sent me back in time as a punishment for corrupting his son’s morals? It was hard to believe that modern people could live like this. Yeah, I was pretty sure I had been time fucked by the Capitola Alphans. That means, the universe being parallel in all things, there were probably more displaced Ravers on this very planet. I had to find them and get away from the negative vibe flowing around these soul-sucked assholes. One had to play it smart just to survive in a hostile climate like this.

The woman reached over the counter and grabbed my arm, attempting to restrain me.

“Take your hands off me, you dirty ape!” I cried.

“You have two minutes to leave before the police arrive,” she said.

"Just answer me one small question and I will leave."

"Okay."

"I read about this society in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. This is one of those idiot communes, right? The kind of place where the government gets people hooked on work drugs like caffeine and television. And then they build them large office buildings and tell them they're cool if they work sixty hours per week. Is that right?"

The woman looked shocked- I had shamed her into realizing her fate. She figured out she was living and dying on a work farm owned by morons with less spirituality and taste than plastic furniture covers.

The wretch needed to die, but I wasn't the boy for the job. I shed a tear for her, grabbed a pack of smokes from the counter, and then ran off into the night. Finally, I found a place to hide.

I lit up my smoke. Now I was stuck on a primitive planet full of elemental, mindless backwater Capitolan slave mentality wannabes, morons, and malcontents. I couldn’t see how we Ravers had developed from these people. Pseudo said it had something to do with “the chaos of antipodes” but I didn’t know what the hell those were or where to get any more of them. They were exactly the opposite as us. I decided to go out in search for the underground vibe that I now craved. I tore off into the night.

Eventually, I reached the end of the city. Finally these office buildings ended and I saw a big spread of warehouses. I heaved a long sigh of relief. Warehouses as far as the eye could see! Surely, there was no other use for a warehouse than rave parties. Must be dozens of underground parties to choose from, I thought.

I ran as fast as my feet could carry me to the edge of this warehouse district, but there were no sonic beats or bass lines. The warehouses were all full of stuff like couches and wooden crates. What the fuck?

As I stopped laughing and started crying, I noticed a man watching me. He was standing beside his little four-wheeled vehicle with flashing red and blue lights, slightly drooling. I thought at first that it was some kind of traveling party taxi. I played it cool, trying not to laugh at this vehicle. The man's demeanor was such that he acted as if he owned the entire planet. It didn’t take me long to realize he was some sort of security guard on a bad trip.

"Hey kid, you lost or something?" the officer asked.

I approached him.

"Excuse me, sir," I said.

"Yes, kid."

"What's going on around here? Any parties with free drugs?"

"I don't think so, kid."

"Fuck. Sure is a lamer paradise in this city, man."

"It's after two a.m. you know. Everything's closed. What’s your name, kid?"

“SonicBoy, err, SonicBoy Wellbutrin.”

“I’m Officer Friendly. But you can call me Daddy.”

“Hi Daddy,” I said, thinking to myself that this guy was quite an idiot to be trusted with upholding the law.

I lit up a cigarette, and offered him one. He refused and mumbled something about not smoking. That much was obvious. He hardly looked smart enough to know which end to light.

"Hey Daddy, what’s wrong with this planet?"

"How old are you, Boy?"

"Sixteen and traveling the universe. No, actually seventeen now, I guess. I think I must have had a birthday while I was in a drug induced coma for the last couple of months."

The officer looked at me strangely, like he had never seen a Raver before.

"Not too much to see outside of Seattle, really. It's all downhill from here."

This guy must be another badly programmed robot or a retard or something. And he said “ Seattle!” He actually said the words Seattle – part of the name of the first Rave clan on Ravulon. Something was up here but what? Had I indeed traveled back in time? It seemed unlikely. These people didn't even know the name of their own planet! These people were on Pathetika Rho, not Earth. These people were so stupid. Suddenly I was proud of my culture for the first time. What a long way we had come from this gray and dismal fork in our ancient history.

But then I thought… no way could Ravers have evolved from these morons. It was inconceivable. They are so unspiritual and uptight. Maybe it was the lack of THC in the air? I didn’t even want to have sex with these people, and now I seemed trapped here forever. The horror! The horror!

"Okay, Officer, I'll be seeing you now. Bye."

"Hey kid, you sure are cute. Are you a player?"

"A what?"

"You know, a player. I'll give you twenty dollars if you let me blow you."

The guy was older than anybody I would have wanted to fuck with, maybe forty. Plus he had a slimy, hairy infection above his lip, like he had forgotten to shave just that one spot for months. I cringed. I asked him about it and he called it a moustache. It was gross. I didn't want a blowjob from this guy at all. Somehow it made me feel uneasy, even dirty. But the fact remained that I needed some local currency to get a place to stay.

"How much is twenty? What will that buy me? A spaceship off this dustball, I hope."

"Twenty dollars is more than enough for a blow job."

"How about thirty?"

"Hell kid, I could fuck you up the ass and drown you in the Puget Sound for free and nobody would know the fucking difference."

Whoa! What a nutty fucker, I thought. Rape and murder is way over the top! This planet is full of non-sexy, burly, mustachioed brigands and idiots!

"Twenty will do nicely, Officer."

I immediately suspected that people didn't love each other on this planet. People even feared one another. Rulers held their power with threats of violence and endless incarceration. The legions probably subscribed to lunatic cults like the Religio Prayans. What funny specimens these hairy-lipped geezers were! Ugly as sin and full of hatred and hypocrisy. Drifting aimlessly like little black snowflakes in a tornado of hate.

However, the freaky cop did indeed give good head. His mustachio (or whatever it’s called) tickled my belly as he sucked my cock, and then tickled my balls as he licked and nibbled on my perineum and asshole. This must be the reason these people have mustaches, I thought. What other reason could there be? When I came he swallowed the whole load without spilling a drop.

I thought if I did this five or maybe ten times a day I could score a couple hundred dollars. Maybe that would be enough for a spaceship. I knew people liked to give me head but this guy was ridiculous. I still didn't know shit about this planet – like if they even had spaceships capable of reaching the stars yet.

Now the officer wiped his lip and flipped me over and started to prod at my asshole with his finger as if loosening it up for a fuck.

"Stop that," I yelled, "SonicBoy doesn’t play that way with old men."

He stopped, I pulled up my pants, and he handed me a greenish slip of paper with a picture of an old man on it and the marking ‘twenty’.

"Thanks, kid. I'm glad you understand your place in society and everything."

This sure was a rough way to make a living.

"Sure thing, Officer. Hey, how many drugs can I buy with this?"

The officer rubbed his brow and responded.

"You're not from around here, are you, my boy?"

"No. I'm from, err, the planet Ravulon."

"I thought so,” the man replied. “Funny accent and all. Well, you better get off the streets because not everyone is going to be as nice as me."

"Okay, thanks for the advice. I was thinking about scoring some space pills and heading to the local massive. Can you suggest a good one?"

I don’t think he knew what I was talking about.

"Don't get into that shit, kid. Drugs are a one way ticket to depravity."

"You mean people on this planet don't do any drugs at all? Not even ecstasy or Blue Valeeyumz?"

The officer scanned the road for potential witnesses. Finding none, he unbuttoned his pants and whipped out his hairy, massive cock. My first reaction was panic. He made a grab at my balls and I screamed. I immediately sensed that he was going to make good on his earlier threat of raping me and drowning me in the Puget Sound. I wasn’t even sure what a Puget Sound was, but it certainly didn’t sound good.

Not wanting any part of that scene, I kicked the man as hard as I could in his hairy nutsack and took off running towards the warehouse district to hide.

Finding a secluded street, I sat on the corner and smoked another cigarette, resting for about twenty minutes. To my utter terror, I saw his car approaching and ducked into an alley to hide – no telling what the fucker would do to me if he found me again. It was then some fat, crunchy dance beats attracted my attention.

There was definitely some sort of “deep house” music emanating from a nearby warehouse. I followed the sound until I found the source. Too excited to breathe, I entered.

There were Ravers everywhere. I was not the only one of us on this planet, thank Dionysus. I spied a pack of a hundred young peeps dressed like me. They were all around my age and dancing their asses off. After all my initial experiences on this planet, I was downright stunned to see two standard Tekneeks 1199 turntables suspended by chains from the ceiling. It was just a small party but it was going off massive style. Yet, I was confused. Who were these people? They were either aliens like me, I thought… or else I have just found the birth of rave culture on this very planet!

The two boys had a set going off. Crazy tribal speed funk. One boy was mixing while another was scratching over on the side. Way old s chool shit was going down- harsh breaks, junglism, and classic knob-twiddling. I was enthralled and quickly jumped in dancing.

Every five minutes or so the mixing boy would go dance and the scratching boy would mix a few cuts. The scratching boy didn't smoke cigarettes or dance, but smoked a rather pungent herb from a glass pipe. Later I found out it was called “green buds,” and it contained the THC chemical that made intelligent life possible on the planet. Our own Ravulon THC-laden air is only one tenth as strong as a direct blast from the pipe. They were eager to share it. It was quite blissful.

After an hour I rested and smoked a cigarette, thinking how cool it was to get down dancing on an alien world. My prior, negative experiences were now just fading memories. Soon I would meet some of these earth ravers and ask them what was going on.

A boy eventually came up to me and offered me space pills and some other drug you snorted called K. I bought two of the pills with the twenty dollars. He gave me a free line of K and we snorted it up immediately. The pills came in little capsules so I opened mine and poured the crystals under my tongue to let them absorb into my bloodstream. I felt the rush come on high and heavy. The space pills were very similar to generic Ravulon eckeez and the Special K was rather similar to very own StarTrail Mix. The combination was good for dancing and I was in alien raver heaven.

Suddenly, the energy present was unbelievable. Very ecstasy. Very wakey-wakey. Very go-go. Very pure-pure. A candy raver girl approached from my blind side and startled me. She was beautiful, with long pink hair and a face sprinkled with glitter. She was a bit taller than me and dressed in flares and a tank top with a flower on it.

Suddenly, I felt like I was home again. I immediately lost my newly found inhibitions. I could think of nothing but the dampness between her legs. I grabbed her around the waist and attempted to stick my tongue deep into her throat. She pushed me away, and ran to her friends.

These creatures look and act like ravers, but they are docile like sheep, I thought.

A boy approached, looking confused yet friendly, as if I had breached some sort of sexual etiquette. I didn't want any trouble and almost considered running.

But where would I run? Away from the music? Maybe these raver-like beings could still help me? Maybe they could tell me where the real ravers were. I had to find out.

The girl was beside the boy, holding onto his hand. They both looked at me, bewildered. We stared at each other. Suddenly, the boy smiled and attempted to kiss me. I let him, and thrust my tongue into his mouth. He kissed me back, seemingly astonished at his own passion. Finally we stopped kissing and went outside to talk and have a cigarette.

“My name is SonicBoy Wellbutrin. I am from the planet Ravulon.”

“Hi, I’m Vurt and this is my sister Vixena.”

“So when did you guys crash onto this horrible planet?” I asked them.

The girl looked confused.

The boy responded, "We were born here.”

“Oh, really? How perfectly dreadful.”

“Tell me about it,” responded Vurt.

The thought of a Raver forced to live on this planet was unbearable. No wonder these party kids had seemed so repressed at first. They were probably treated like outcasts and persecuted in this society. They were probably forced to repress even their most basic sexual urges.

"How many Ravers are there on this planet?"

"Thousands. We have to live underground though. Partying is illegal here."

"Partying illegal? But who benefits from making parties illegal? Are we not a species meant to celebrate life."

Vixena spoke up.

"The government suppresses us and sends us evil corporate messages through the media. They seek outright war with everyone and spend all our tax money on instruments of mass destruction. They do not crave peace like they constantly say. They crave only dominance and humiliation. Only some of us are immune. Most people's minds are just putty in their hands. Officially, they program us to crave status and material wealth."

I was shocked.

“But we are so similar! The same exact species. Separated by a few million light years and perhaps a few hundred thousand years of biological evolution. Any way you slice it… we were born to rave. How can we seek unlock this great feeling in your time?”

"I have an idea how," said the girl. "By following our desires, killing our leaders, burning our schools, and fucking our neighbors. We have nothing to lose but our shitty-ass culture."

I kissed her again as I fell deeply in love with this tragic creature. She was a true Raver, as wise and beautiful as anyone in the universe. In fact, I couldn't have said it better myself.

We returned to the dance floor and grooved into the early morning hours. I had finally found a small peer group on the filthy backwards planet called Earth.