Brett Favre

Brett Favre

by McCutcheon
The Green Bay Packers won the first two Super Bowls. They were coached by Vince Lambardi. The Super Bowl Trophy was named after him. This was in the late 60’s. Then…nothing. Green Bay lost, they lost games and they lost pride and they lost respect in the NFL.


Every Fall as the leaves turned colors on the trees people in Wisconsin got excited about football. Green Bay had lost everything but their fans. Would the Pack be back? No. Something had to be done.

The Packers hired Bart Starr, the star quarterback that played under coach Lambardi. The quarterback who beat the Dallas Cowboys in the Ice Bowl. The man who lead the team to the Super Bowl victories. Bart brought in Lynn Dickey to play his quarterback. The man had an arm. He didn’t have any legs though. He couldn’t scramble but boy could he pass. Finally the Packers had an offense. But they didn’t have a defense. Dickey would throw touchdowns then the other team got the ball and the Packers folded. They lost games by scores like 51-48.

Every Fall as the leaves turned colors on the trees people in Wisconsin got excited about football. Would the Pack be back? No. They could beat our Pack but they couldn’t lick our Dickey. Then Dickey just collapsed in the pocket like a star imploding on itself. Something had to be done.

The Packers hired another coach that had played under Lambardi. Forrest Gregg came in and turned our beloved Pack into criminals. Not only were the Packers now losing but they were getting fined on and off the field. Surely something had to be done.

Enter new management. Enter a new coach. Enter a new quarterback. The Packers got Brett Favre.

Brett was a small town boy from the rural south. He was white trash. What was this hillbilly gonna do in the North? Only win back to back league MVP’s. Only lead the Packers to a Super Bowl victory and bring the Lombardi Trophy back to where it belongs, to the smallest town to own a professional sports team in North America, Green Bay, Wisconsin. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I once read an article by some unarticulated clumsy man who wrote in Sports Illustrated a couple years back about why the Packers would never win another Super Bowl. --Fuck you man.

But it wasn’t easy. Brett had problems with his family getting incarcerated back home while he perfected his passing. One of his closest friends died. And there were drunken nights of debauchery. But hell, when people who like to drink come to Green Bay they just drink even more because there is nothing else to do. You have to remember this is Wisconsin. There was once a study to find out what state was the most overweight. Yeah, it was Wisconsin. And America is the fattest country in the world. So you’re talking about the fattest people in the world here. They like to eat and drink. Eating and drinking and football is their culture. If you doubt this just check out the drunks eating Gilbert Burgers.

So who can blame the new star quarterback for living his life?

But this wasn’t the biggest hurdle Brett had to overcome. It was the pills. No Brett didn’t become an ecstasy popping acid house raver, he was in too much pain. He turned to Vicodin to help the pounding he was taking on the Frozen Tundra. He would pop the pills and throw them up in the shower. He would then reach down, pick them back up and swallow them again. He would send his wife to the dentist to get more pain pills. Brett was so far down in the Valley of the Dolls he had to get an enema to help him even take a shit.

Brett landed himself in one of the most boring of places, rehab. He spent long summer hours fighting addiction when most people in his profession were vacationing at some far out location or back home with family. When Brett got released he was banned by the NFL from drinking. But Brett was a rebel with a cause. A few days before the Super Bowl in New Orleans, the holiest of holy games in the city of sinners, Brett had a few beers. What happened? Only a Super Bowl victory and his second MVP award in a row. Then it was time to hit Bourbon Street.

P.S. For all you out there who make fun of Brett’s braces just remember who has the coolest sideburns in the NFL.
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